Shame is a very strong emotion which can silently infiltrate every corner of our lives and especially seep into how we experience other people. When it’s unprocessed, it comes out and hurts not only us but also our ties with others. Here are five ways that unresolved shame might be sabotaging you and all of your relationships.
High Levels of Defensiveness to Feedback
The truth is that, while it may be true to some extent, when people really have unresolved shame and they show up defensive with feedback — even constructive feedback. They view feedback as criticism, not as a means to grow and expand their skill set. That defensiveness comes from a place of trying to hide because we fear being revealed as imperfect, incompetent, etc. This means the relationship is a problem because the person’s ego, and understandably so, is always on guard trying to protect his petty self-worth.
The Problem with Defensiveness, It Kills Relationships If a person is always prepared to react with their criticism or feedback, their partner, friend or colleague will hesitate to speak openly. Eventually this defensiveness grows and develops into just contempt; the other person can not only feel his voice is shut out but literally destroyed. If we have unresolved shame, this makes it next to impossible for us to be able freely receive feedback.
An Inability for Anyone to Give You Feedback
Unresolved guilt does not only trigger you to react in defense, but it creates a ‘no-fly zone’ in the mind of others who see ways you can improve. After some time people may not be as inclined to have those honest conversation with you because they do not want to deal with you! The failure to literally listen and interpret feedback means there is no growth either in a personal relationship.
Partners, friends and family members may feel like they are walking on eggshells, nothing can be said without it being taken defensively or causing tears. This aversion to feedback is doubly problematic because it stymies growth and true closeness. Without communication, relationships can stagnate. The more we avoid feedback, the more likely we are to build resentment and lead to disconnection or worse relationship breakdown.
Deep Need to Be Painfully Perfect
Shame frequently leads people to establish high standards, even impossibly so, because perfectionism can be a defense mechanism that keeps individuals from experiencing themselves as flawed or unworthy. Unfortunately, all this perfectionism does not come cheap. This results in having an added pressure on the person which lowers their productivity and makes them stressed and anxious.
This perfectionist tendency also leaves the rest of us in relationships feeling like we come up short. Similarly when someone is all about the perfection game, he/she cannot come off as an enforcer of high standards even without intending to do so on his/her partner or friends. Not only this, but they may be a little too hard on themselves and have developed an understanding that it is not ok to let your guard down and open up. Since relationships thrive on truth and vulnerability, perfectionism creates a wall against authenticity that keeps us from building real relationships with others. Nobody is perfect, so it also means that relationships founded on unachievable standards are doomed to failure under the burden of perfection.
An Inability to Ask for Help
A failure to reach out and ask for support is another way in which unresolved shame tends to show up in life. Shame holds its victim in place, feeling too deeply ashamed to ask for help, thinking it would be a sign of weakness or failure. They feel that by engaging, they are showing others their weakness. The inability to ask for help can isolate and emotionally distance us, leaving us more disconnected in relationships.
In a good relationship, trust and support should be mutual. People seeking and receiving help leads to intimacy The idea that one half should be really strong for Both of Us creates a pair-career that’s impossible to fulfill. The fact that they cannot ask for help is not only a blow to their own dignity, but it also denies you the opportunity to hold another person at arm’s length without supporting them when it helps keep relationships’ emotional sides meaningful and present. This can lead to mutual frustration and burnout in the long run.
Few to No Close Intimate Relationships
This unresolved shame is why we have superficial relationships. The fear of being judged as not good enough keeps people from getting truly close. They may have friends at their surface, but they have no relationships where vulnerability and trust are needed.
Shame says, “You know if these people really knew you…they would reject you.” The end result is that they never let anyone too close so they purposely put themselves in positions where no one is able to see them too clearly. This results in a viscous cycle of solitude and emotional confinement. And without strong community ties, people are more vulnerable to the slings and arrows that life hurls at them.
On top of thrillers, lovers with unhealed shame can never truly be intimate when walls of emotion are built between them. When we feel like a partner is afraid to be themselves, we can wind up feeling like an outsider in our own relationship. Eventually, this emotional gap will result in disillusionment anger and sometimes end with the relationship.
Conclusion: A Path to Healing
Left unanswered, shame can wreak havoc on both our lives and relationships. It builds up emotional walls and trustishing walls that separate people rather than allows for a real connection. Offences of all sorts, from defensiveness and perfectionism,are born out of feeling of shame and this keeps people disconnected from one another thereby cheating them out of the wonderful experience they would ordinarily get in their interactions.
However, there is hope. The first step to healing is uncovering unresolved shame. Finding therapy or self-compassion or surrounding yourself with loved ones can help, and break the cycle of shame to create much deeper connections in life.
If you read these patterns and see yourself, feel free to seek some help for it. This is a safe new beginning of consultation regarding your emotional past under therapy.
Learn more about how therapy can assist you in unpacking unresolved shame at All in the Family Counselling. Always remember, it’s never too late to heal and harbor stronger, healthier connections.
Admitting shame, face on, allows us to come out from that grasp and establish meaningful relationships booming with trust, real intimacy and understanding. I’m really thinking it’s time to put all we’ve done behind us and start on healing and connection.
Waqar Hussain 
Qamer Javed 
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